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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
my teardrops are vintage's LiveJournal:
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|Monday, April 26th, 2010|
|first sleepless night in awhile
I know it's going to happen. I've pretty much prepared myself for it, even. Even still, I'm not ready to hear other people talk about it, especially with an air of nonchalance. Probably never...
|Sunday, October 4th, 2009|
|my retreat from the internet
This seems like the best forum to just write something to write it down, not with the intention of anyone reading it. I had a dream last night, and it was one of the worst dreams I've ever had, but I need to retain it, because dreams like that are so few and far between. I think it was 4 or 5 years from now, and I found out everyone had been lying to me about my father being dead. I never got a straight answer as to why, but pretty much everyone was in on it -mom, grandma, uncle. Well, I got this business card from my uncle with the address of where my dad was working. It was in a fictitious city in MI (I'm assuming. I kept telling myself to remember upon waking so I could check it out). He said I could go and find him, that it had been "enough time." I remember telling myself in the dream, 'you can't wake up, because if you do, this card and address will be gone.' I went and found him, and he wasn't surprised to see me and wasn't apologetic, and I wasn't mad. I was just so relieved to see him again that nothing else mattered. We just sat at his kitchen table while he had a beer and shot the shit, something I never got to do with him in my adult life. It played out exactly as I think it would have, he looked exactly as I think he would have, 15 years aged. It was beautiful and terrible all at the same time, but it's what I've got, so I'll take it.
|Friday, September 12th, 2008|
|old habits and the like
I don't think I've written a "real" entry here in years, but tonight feels like I'm 18 again, somehow. Not just tonight, really. Recently, in general, I feel like I'm heading towards rock bottom, and I don't really know why. This is not how I imagined life to be at 24. Right now I really just want to sit with a stranger, someone that knows nothing about me or the people I'd be referencing, and pour my heart out. I can do it partially here, but once things are in writing, they somehow become real to me. I'm just not happy-not depressed, exactly. I don't have things too bad, but I just feel alone, and I really hesitate to even type that because it sounds so melodramatic. I shouldn't really even care because chances are no one will really see this. This summer was kind of the peak of me just feeling like I'm going to end up with no one. The majority of my friends are married now, or headed there relatively soon. I don't know why that seems so incomprehensible to me, but early 20s seems so young for that. Even the people I always kind of knew I could lean on are dwindling by the second. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't even really like me as a person most of the time, and I'm baffled why he keeps me around. He's a very unhappy person too. Pat was always a great friend, but now he has a girlfriend that, really, I assume he will marry. R.J.'s been married for a couple years, to the girl he left me for, which still stings every now and again. Holly is newly in love-well, had her love returned, which is amazing and well past due, but I'm afraid she'll follow suit like the rest, because when you're that happy, why wouldn't you? Bryan stopped talking to me the week he got a girlfriend for reasons still unknown to me, and now, even though I think she's gone, so is our friendship. Emma meets guys pretty easily so her being alone won't be too long-lived, and if it is, it'll be by choice. She's so busy as is I can't take up too much of her time. Nate in general has been a shitty friend, and I feel bad saying that, but no holds barred, right? He moves back, and he's "gonna be celebate and not concern himself with women so he can get things on the straight and narrow, etc. etc." Tonight I found out he's still picking up sluts left and right, basically, yet we've seen each other maybe twice out of work since he's been back, which was May. He always says he'll call and we'll hang out, which isn't even brought on by me because I don't even bother asking anymore, and then nothing, but he can hang out with Craig who he's know for like 3 months several times a week. He even made plans with him tonight in front of me, when first thing this week he was like, let's do something this weekend. Today, no mention of it. Meanwhile, our waitress is obviously throwing herself at him completely unsolicited. I'm not saying I want drunk men or whatnot hitting on me-that's not the point of anything. It just made me feel so undesirable I can hardly handle it. I've never been the most attractive, or had a great body, etc., but I don't think I'm terrible looking. Yet no one ever even approaches me to give me the chance to say I'm taken. Meanwhile, Nate gets numbers without asking all the time. If I have to hear about how "the only hot chicks at work are so and so" again, I'm gonna fucking scream. Nate has a list of all the chicks he'd do from work, everyone under the sun is fucking in love with Kristen, and Nathalie gets hit on daily even with the engagement ring. What have I gotten? A few inappropriate old men that just stare at my chest if I'm wearing a sweater. I feel like telling them, "They're not that great, just another one of my shortcomings." For once in my life I'd like to be the girl that someone wants and knows they can't have. And yes, I realize how twisted an idea that is, but it would feel so go to feel fucking wanted for once. For someone to wait on me and hope I call them back, and get as upset as I do when plans don't go through. Except really, I don't think I could ever be that person even if there was a taker. I've always had this overwhelming desire to please others before myself, even as far back as elementary school. I don't know what has made me this way, and I don't know how to fix it, but I need to do something because I can't handle this for much longer. I know there's a problem when my only source of comfort most of the time is two dogs who I love like they were my children. I don't think I'm fit to even mother them...Here's hoping I wake up and this will all have subsided. Yeah, that's a nice thought...
|Friday, February 29th, 2008|
So the movie "The Babysitter's Club" was on tonight, so I had it on while I was eating (look, I adored everything about BSC my whole childhood) and I actually thought about the ages of the characters...in the movie, Stacey is 13 and goes out with a guy that is 17...did no one see anything wrong with this? That's potentially a senior in high school going out with an 8th grader.
A few days ago, Saved By the Bell: Hawaiian Style (one of their episodes that was really a t.v. movie) was on, and I caught a part of it. In it, Kelly, then 17, starts dating her grandpa's lawyer. Granted, I don't think his age was mentioned, but he's a fully functioning lawyer. We're talking minimum of 25 here. Again, something odd about a high school senior dating someone in their mid to late 20s. Funny, I never picked up on this before or thought anything weird about it as a child. Something tells me that wouldn't fly in children's entertainment today...
|Thursday, September 6th, 2007|
|pervs of the day
While at work...
old guy (think 70s) comes in. immediately starts staring at my chest.
him (not looking up, grinning): That's a nice sweater you've got on.(pause) You're very gifted.
wtf do you say to that?!?
middle aged guy comes in
me:Is there anything else I can do for you today?
him:Heh, well, nothing you'd consent to, I'm sure.
|Monday, July 9th, 2007|
|I hate Ohio
On the way back from PA tonight, one of their radio stations edited "Brown-Eyed Girl" of its "making love in the green grass" line. Should I really be surprised, considering their religious stations outnumber "regular" stations at least 2 to 1...
|Thursday, May 10th, 2007|
|I couldn't resist
Even though he'll never see it...
Nate's in love with a stripper
She poppin she rollin she rollin Current Mood: true story
|Monday, May 7th, 2007|
|a retraction of sorts
While I'm not "taking back" any of what I wrote in the last entry, I would like to say that I feel a lot better. I was really out of sorts that night. I'll attribute it to 2 of those people of the 3-4 mentioned feeling exceptionally shitty that night too. One called me from the hospital that night, and I didn't know the other was in a horrible mood while I was talking to him. I only found out the next day he was having an awful day and I in turn felt awful because I can't really do anything from here. Not that I could necessarily make things better if I was closer, but it seems more likely. Things seem to be okay for everyone now, or at least pushed aside for the time being. Three weeks and my house is mine again. It seems strange...
|Friday, May 4th, 2007|
I don't really know if what I'm doing is healthy...
this living in the past.
the thing is
it's not really a past that ever existed
I think I created it, and every time it starts to wear thin
It gets harder to accept.
I sound like I'm 15 again
and I really don't care.
I feel 15 again, kind of. Well, maybe like 19.
19 was pretty stressful for no real reason.
I keep getting this pit in my stomach, and I have no idea why. I'm restless. I can't sleep, food doesn't really interest me
which is a sure sign something is off.
I think I need a good cry. I'm not upset with anything, really, it's just therapeutic. I cry at shows and movies, but I should really try to cry for me.
If I try, the puppies come right over and start licking my face, which instantly ends the session.
I just want to go home, but I'm terrified that home doesn't really exist anymore. Not in the sense that I left it, at least. Things change, people change. I've changed, but I don't know if it's for the best. It's probably not. I've become selfish, and that's never really been me before. I don't know how to be my own number one. I'm starting to feed off others' emotions again, which is also terribly unhealthy. I try to tell myself it's good that I'm able to recognize all this stuff, but at the same time, I'm not doing anything to better it. Sometimes I think I could use therapy. I don't know what I'd be trying to fix, really. I'm sure there's plenty. For example, when I get a phone call, I'm always afraid at least for a fleeting moment that something bad has happened. I think I'm just afraid of things catching up to me. I don't think I'm a particularly bad person, but I'm not a particularly good one either, especially as of late. It seems like something would have to give one of these days. I really feel like talking to someone right now, but 1.)no one's around/online/etc. really, and 2.)I really don't have anything to say. I'm kind of out of sorts, and it would probably end in me confusing myself and anyone unfortunate enough to talk to me. I like being by myself, but at the same time, I'm terrified by it. I'm alone a lot here, but it's a different kind of alone. I only have one person here, and we often co-exist separately. I don't have anyone else to go to for anything. I'm afraid that'll happen at home too. Friends have drifted away over the years, both literally and figuratively. I really don't have that many left...3 or 4. With that few, they're bound to get tired of me quickly. If I'm like this all the time, it's pretty much guaranteed. I figured I'd write this in here because basically no one uses lj anymore, and it's easy enough to scroll past pointless rants. There is so much tension in my body right now...has been for quite awhile. I need a back/shoulder rub more than anything. Too bad that's not going to happen any time soon. To summarize: whine cry whine, whine cry cry whine. I'm like a really bad emo song without the rhyming. Hopefully I'll wake up refreshed and have the good sense to delete this and maybe write something of substance. Just maybe. Current Mood: I feel like getting drunk
|Tuesday, November 7th, 2006|
I feel like such a loser. I didn't vote today. I didn't get my Mich. absentee ballot on time, and I'm not a Penn. resident yet. I mean, I guess I shouldn't really get to vote for Mich. since I don't live there any more, but I really would have liked to vote on some of those proposals. I can't even watch the election results for Mich. here. Penn. didn't have anything exciting to vote on really. I mean, not as exciting as dove hunting.
|Thursday, September 7th, 2006|
|my life as of 9-7-06
Wedding quote: "They're Ukranian and Polish, but they all look Hispanic...I'm still trying to figure that out."
my new job at loomis fargo as a vault teller:
-on my feet the entire shift
-scary building with no windows
-repetitive as all hell
-I can't get my hands truly clean ever (money is DIRTY)
-some of the skin has worn off of my hand from rubberbanding millions of dollars together.
-the rest of the skin is now turning to callouses (sp)
-I look at my coworkers hands and want to vomit
-I have to wear a smock so my clothes don't get "caught in the money counters." However, said smock is an XXL, so it, in turn, gets stuck in/on everything else.
+about the best money I'm gonna make in Erie
-happiness means more to me than money, as I'm quickly realizing, so I'm still gonna look for a job. this one is temporary (supposedly) anyway, I'm part time (also supposedly), and I get no benefits
my life in general:
+++++++two puppies to come home to after abovementioned job-Saffron and Fred (I didn't choose the latter's name, nor do I condone it)
+I bought Diary:A Novel by Chuck Palahniuk as a birthday present to myself, and I love it so far
-don't know what I'm going to do with the Avenger...want it?
-don't know what I'm going to do with all my old furniture...want it?
+/-I'm cooking sesame chicken for dinner tonight. I'm undecided as to whether that is a + or a - because I've never attempted it before.
I suck at conclusions, so...
|Sunday, July 2nd, 2006|
Frank:I put pepper on everything. [pauses] I take that back...I've yet to put pepper on Lynne.
Brad's favorite thing of the night he overheard me say:Fuck, who did we say worked in a cookie factory? Oh, Igor!
(Holly, you better understand that one)
|Saturday, June 17th, 2006|
Brad's (homophobic) dad, in the drunkest state I have ever seen him in, to Brad:
I think I'm getting better about gay people. I've been watching a lot of "Will and Grace" recently. If you're ever gonna bring a guy home, he'd have to be funny. I think I could handle a Jack.
Man, my kittie...he's got no tail.
Lynn:Frank, she never had a tail.
|Tuesday, June 6th, 2006|
E:You're a caterpillar on its way to becoming a beautiful swan.
T:Why would a caterpillar want to be a swan?
Best outtake ever. It's really repressing to know I'll never see a new episode of Queer as Folk again.
|Thursday, May 11th, 2006|
|The semester thus far, in quotes
Yeah, the semester just started Monday, and already quotes. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
There's this gay kid in my 3100 class that has the exact same voice as this child molester I used to work with, Pat Nix. For the 2 or so of you that know him, imagine that voice as you're reading.
Kid, before class: I took a Hitchcock class last semester, and I don't want to say if you've seen one, you've seen them all, but... ...(not 30 seconds later) A few years ago I was in my J Lo phase, and I went to see "Gigli" on opening day. I was so scared it was gonna be sold out. I think that movie was really underrated.
Today in my women's studies class, we met with our 3-person groups we're gonna lead discussion with to discuss a reading. There was this Serbian Canadian girl with a thuggush accent that was actually in the class, and there was her cousin (?) who is trying to get in the class. The latter and I got into a, er, discussion...
Me:Not to sound overly optimistic, but things always seem to come at least almost full-circle in terms of progress...
Her:Nuh uh. Everybody's always gonna hate gay people.
Me:I can't say I agree with that.
Her:Oh no? How come?
Me:Because things do tend to get better over time for all kinds of oppressed people.
Her: Like who?
Me:Like for African Americans. We got rid of slavery awhile back.
Her:No way. Why do you think slavery doesn't still exist?
Me:Maybe because I can't go to the market and buy a black person to whip.
Her:You think racism doesn't exist anymore?
Me:Slavery and racism are kind of separate...I never said racism was gone, but things have improved to a certain extent...
Other girl:Feminism is stupid.
I'll forgive another woman's comment because she is extremely old and has great-grandchildren.
Old black woman:I'm not against lesbianism, but I don't see why they couldn't have picked a black lesbian and a black normal woman to speak.
There will be some highlights of the semester too. I get to read Vonnegut (sp?), Ginsberg, "Brokeback Mountain," "Microserfs," etc. My film class also has an amazing schedule. We've already watched two Cohen brothers' films and are watching "Royal Tenenbaums" on Mon.
Time to try and go into the bedroom without waking the puppy...
|Monday, May 1st, 2006|
|Thursday, April 27th, 2006|
So, I bought a dog today. It's Brad's and mine, but he hasn't met her yet. It's a yorkie. She's 1.9 pounds, 9 weeks old. Pictures will follow when we take some. She is without a name. I have several I like. I'm all about giving animals people names. I dunno if I'm gonna get Brad to go for any of them, but I hope. Suggestions/input?
|Monday, April 24th, 2006|
|Don't shush me when I'm yelling at a whore!
~Brad, drunk, to his roommate
Holly-further proof black men can't resist this ass:
While walking to get movies from the Detroit Public Library on Saturday, the following occurred:
Black man #1:~18, approached me and said "How you doin', you hot lil mama."
Black man #2:~60, riding a bike, slowed down and sang, "Ooooh baby baby, ba-baby baby."
It's official-I need to lose weight if only to diminish the size of my ass/chest.
|Thursday, April 20th, 2006|
I guess I appreciate the fact that Wayne tries to spend our money on stuff, but why is it that every time it's 70+ outside, there is some event that produces a lot of noise outside so I can't sit out and read? This "concert" was so loud that it kept disrupting my film class. Gah. I would go into a whole rant about how the amazing line up of workers at McDonald's was somehow destroyed and I had to wait longer than I've ever waited, but it would turn into a bunch of really racist remarks because it was just one of those kind of days at school.
|Wednesday, April 5th, 2006|